Ah, plant-based ice cream. If there were ever a more 21st-century invention to tickle my sarcastic taste buds, I’d like to see it. Remember when ice cream was simple? A few ingredients, a classic taste, and the memory of chasing down the ice cream truck on a hot summer’s day? Well, folks, those days are apparently in our rearview mirror, and in their place, we’ve got plant-based concoctions parading around in dairy’s clothing.

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m all for plants. They’re great for oxygen and the occasional salad, but when it comes to my ice cream, I prefer it without the side of buzzwords.

1. The Sugar Charade: I find it hilarious (in a cry-myself-to-sleep kind of way) that many of these plant-based wonders boast about being dairy-free but forget to mention their sugar levels, which rival that of, well, regular ice cream! Just because it’s “plant-based” doesn’t make it a health food.

2. “Natural” Processing (Yeah, Right!): The next time you scoop out some plant-based ice cream, just remember: it’s likely a Frankenstein of gums, stabilizers, and unpronounceable ingredients. If that’s ‘natural’, then I’m a unicorn.

3. Fat’s New Disguise: Oh, and for those thinking they’re dodging fats? Many of these alternatives are coconut-based. Remember when we were told coconut oil could replace every product in our homes? Now, suddenly it’s the mainstay of the plant-based dessert world. Spoiler: It’s still fat, just from a tree.

4. The “Health Halo”: This might be the most delicious (read: disturbing) part. Slap “plant-based” on anything, and people suddenly feel like they’re eating the equivalent of a kale salad. But plant-based doesn’t mean you’ve suddenly found the elixir of life. It’s ice cream, folks. Dessert, not dinner.

5. Good Ol’ Ice Cream: You know what’s truly revolutionary? Enjoying food for what it is. Traditional ice cream didn’t pretend to be anything but a delightful treat. No faux health claims, no trendy labels, just a deliciously indulgent experience.

In conclusion, if you’ve got a hankering for some nostalgia and an actual taste, might I suggest the unpretentious, straightforward joy of good old-fashioned ice cream? As for plant-based ice cream, it’s a free country, eat what you want. But let’s not kid ourselves; it’s not the messiah of desserts it’s been hyped up to be. If you truly care about your health, perhaps skip the dessert aisle altogether. But if you’re like me and occasionally want to indulge, remember: sometimes, the classics are classic for a reason. So, next time someone tries to serve you a scoop of “plant-based goodness,” just tell them to leaf it out.